Freedom of the Believer

Last night was a normal Wednesday "Bible Study" night at church...so I thought. But, little did I know that the Lord was going to deal with me like never before!

The word I heard was that "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." - (Isaiah 55:8 NIV)

Man, this word dealt with me like never before. No matter saved or not, there are demons that we all deal with. Demons from the past, present some to come in the future. It is our solemn duty to confess our sins (daily) and renew our salvation. Hmmm...and sometimes although this is my rightfully duty...I don't "feel" like doing it! --Did I just say that?"-- Yes, indeed. (Don't even give me that smug look like you're holier than thou....please Louise we're human...not living spirits!)

Unfortunately, those demons tell me that what I'm thinking..."it's nothing wrong with that", "how many times do you have to ask for forgiveness?", "as long as it makes you feel good", "it's not your fault!", "why can't God just understand?!" But you know what, I'm tired of wrestling with the enemy and more so...MYSELF.

Sometimes we stand in our own way. Why? Because what we know is rightfully our own or what we desire, we feel unworthy. We know the filth that we have(and sometimes...STILL are)dabbled in and we can't believe that of all the people in the world that the Lord would bless "little ole' me." But God says Why not? We were made in his image, right? Although we know this...we don't think like God, so we don't understand our full worth. It's just like when you're going through puberty or changes in life, it doesn't matter how many times people tell you "you're beautiful", "it's going to work out!", "you are doing a good job!", "believe me it's going to get better."....it's hard for you to believe it, because you're the one that's GOING THROUGH IT. So most times, it takes you to believe before you can believe someone else.

But here's a word that spoke to me as well..."Everything is permissible"-but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"-but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. (1 Cor. 10:23) This says to me, yea I have a right to think, say and do whatever it is my narrow minded self wants to, but in the end why am I being selfish believing that I am not harming anyone? I am responsible not only for my life, but for the people that I lead to Christ, my family, my friends, my husband (one day), and others that I may come in contact with throughout life. I may not be eager to hold such a responsibility, but was Christ eager to hold a cross not only for himself, but for all of us; imagine his load.

I want to take the strongholds of my past off, I want to let go of my pains, I want to forgive those who have hurt me, abused me, used me and abandoned me. I want to take away negative thoughts and opinions. I want to wipe away ill feelings. I want to release unforgiviness. I want to be free of wayward desires. I want to snatch these demonic spirits out of mine and be FREE! So, before I left church, wrestling with my overwhelming emotions I spoke to the Lord and said "it's your will Lord, but I need your help!" I don't know how to do it, but I will be set free! I'm a believer and I want my freedom. My freedom to be free of "me." It's time for me to feed and pour into my spirit like never before and give myself the opportunity of true freedom. Pray for me!

Just to add...

So I received this email shortly after I posted my last blog and it hit home! I'm sure you've all received this at some point in your email life, but let me share it again:

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you'

Amen to that!

It's a New Season, It's a New Day...

So, I left off last year, leaving 08' exactly where it was (in the past)!

I am so thankful for my alone with the Lord during the month of December. It gave me an opportunity hear from him more clearly than I've ever had before. I mean talk about being in a desolate place...I was in the middle of the winter without my family (everyone went to Michigan to visit my grandmother who was having hip surgery and to spend Christmas with her), without cable, no heat (heater went out), no leave to go out of town, and no money (I had some fraudulent activity on my account, so it my account was frozen and I had to wait on a new check card). **Geez the time I thought I would have the best vacation, I had nothing to be excited about! LOL** But, God knew I needed this time. If I would have had all of those things I wouldn't have been focused at all! I was able to really look at things for what they were and realize that my dead season was over and it was time to walk into a new one. It was time for me, Tamar, to come out of desolation and come back to my palace! (I know you may not understand this, but please read 2 Samuel 13 and you get my point!)

After making some of the best decisions of my life, here I am today! Still standing, breathing, and experiencing God's love. Thank you Lord!

So far this year, I have found a new church home in February! Yes, I am an official Temple of Praise Praiser! I love my church, Bishop and ToP family. My daughter and I joined the dance ministry and danced for Easter in March. You don't understand how important it is to be rooted in the right house of God. That was one of my struggles last year and I really felt the Lord was sending me somewhere else soon, so I was prepared. And I am thankful that I have been planted where I am!

I have a new man in my life. (Oh, please don't think I'm desperate for one, but the Lord has blessed me with a Man of God who loves me and loves him MORE! Praise him!) I've learned so much from him and thankful for our relationship. He's my friend & spiritual partner. (Believe me or not, but in January after I made some serious decisions after hearing the voice of God, the Lord directed me to write a letter to my husband-to-be and I obeyed. I still have it and will only be able to give it to my husband-to-be the night before the wedding, so check back later to hear part II of this testimony. ;) ) And I know the Lord would have NEVER sent him until I was seriously serious about leaving what I was holding on for SO long behind. And I've been given a second chance and now I'm back in school FULL FORCE! I'm doing great and right now...I'm maintaining my 3.33 grade point average! I pray for strength...EVERYDAY...believe me lol!

So, so far this year has been going well. Of course, there are still trials and tribulations that have occurred between and even during these things, but I'm learning how to praise him in advance! Life isn't going to be perfect, but it will be better when you receive Jesus Christ as the leader of your life.-It deeply saddens me that I almost lost that mindset and faith in God last year due to my storm.- Most times,we want to be in the driver's seat at all times, but I'm urging everyone to pull over, get over and let him take the wheel! It's less stress when you let his blessings manifest!

I'll try not to post 6 - 7 months later, but it's just been busy trying to maintain! Remember..God is Good, All the Time!

The Beginning of the End

Wow...have you ever wanted to write...but your fingers just didn't know where to begin? I think I'm in that now. Today alone has been an interesting day; I've just been in deep thought. I think as the new year approaches I'm anxious for what's in store. A lot of things have flip flopped or been on pause this year. From the time the clock hit 12:00 in the year of 2008, my life completely changed. My relationship I was so familiar with for 2 yrs just completely flipped, my zeal for life's newness changed, my inspirations stopped flowing, my passion went cold, and my faith simply ceased.

And basically this whole year I have been doing nothing, but picking up the pieces of "me" that were shattered. I thank God for "time", because slowly but surely I'm coming back together. But in some aspects I still feel lost. I lost a part of me earlier this year....I lost my hope. I lost hope in my faith, which in turn made me lose hope in love. And I'm a true believer that God is "love", so in essence, dissappointedly I have to say I lost my faith in God. Why? Because once the very things I thought God had promised had slipped from my fingers, I lost grasp on the one thing I believed in. I felt like I was being punished for believing. How unfair is that? But, in the end I'm starting to think wasn't that the whole idea...it was supposed to be unfair in order for me to still hope. So where did I go wrong?

I believe this whole year was a test. I'm not sure if I'm acing it or if I'm even doing well at all. I am still seeking an answer on it from the tester. One thing I do know, I've learned a lot from this test! (Dang it was hard too) I mean this test has been so hard that I'm literally drained and dragging myself to the New Year. But you know what...I'm happy that it's over; I'm happy I survived it. When I look back at every experience that occurred every month this year and I gain a little more hope and faith because somewhere, somehow I had strength to keep it moving. (I mean have you ever thought about that before...when you have gone through the toughest time of your life...when you look up and you can still say "I'm here" or "I made it"...that's God) I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever thought "After ALL this there is just no way possible I'mma make it..."

We all seem to cry at the beginning and the end of something. The beginning - when new life is brought into this world is one of the most amazing, emotional occasions; The end - when a life has ended of a loved one is one of the most sad, emotional occasions. I have cried out for both this year in other forms than the the descriptions I've provided...and I believe that my tears have not been sown in vain. So really when I look back at 2008, I have to say Thank You. Thank you for crushing me, thank you for dissappointing me, thank you for turning your back on me, thank you for closing doors, thank you for making me nearly lose it, thank you for changing me, thank you for Jasmine Sullivan (nothing like a sistah that can relate! lol) and thank you for being just another year....another year for me to look back on and realize "this is the end" and now as the new year turns over I can look up and focus on "where to begin".