Wow...have you ever wanted to write...but your fingers just didn't know where to begin? I think I'm in that now. Today alone has been an interesting day; I've just been in deep thought. I think as the new year approaches I'm anxious for what's in store. A lot of things have flip flopped or been on pause this year. From the time the clock hit 12:00 in the year of 2008, my life completely changed. My relationship I was so familiar with for 2 yrs just completely flipped, my zeal for life's newness changed, my inspirations stopped flowing, my passion went cold, and my faith simply ceased.
And basically this whole year I have been doing nothing, but picking up the pieces of "me" that were shattered. I thank God for "time", because slowly but surely I'm coming back together. But in some aspects I still feel lost. I lost a part of me earlier this year....I lost my hope. I lost hope in my faith, which in turn made me lose hope in love. And I'm a true believer that God is "love", so in essence, dissappointedly I have to say I lost my faith in God. Why? Because once the very things I thought God had promised had slipped from my fingers, I lost grasp on the one thing I believed in. I felt like I was being punished for believing. How unfair is that? But, in the end I'm starting to think wasn't that the whole idea...it was supposed to be unfair in order for me to still hope. So where did I go wrong?
I believe this whole year was a test. I'm not sure if I'm acing it or if I'm even doing well at all. I am still seeking an answer on it from the tester. One thing I do know, I've learned a lot from this test! (Dang it was hard too) I mean this test has been so hard that I'm literally drained and dragging myself to the New Year. But you know what...I'm happy that it's over; I'm happy I survived it. When I look back at every experience that occurred every month this year and I gain a little more hope and faith because somewhere, somehow I had strength to keep it moving. (I mean have you ever thought about that before...when you have gone through the toughest time of your life...when you look up and you can still say "I'm here" or "I made it"...that's God) I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever thought "After ALL this there is just no way possible I'mma make it..."
We all seem to cry at the beginning and the end of something. The beginning - when new life is brought into this world is one of the most amazing, emotional occasions; The end - when a life has ended of a loved one is one of the most sad, emotional occasions. I have cried out for both this year in other forms than the the descriptions I've provided...and I believe that my tears have not been sown in vain. So really when I look back at 2008, I have to say Thank You. Thank you for crushing me, thank you for dissappointing me, thank you for turning your back on me, thank you for closing doors, thank you for making me nearly lose it, thank you for changing me, thank you for Jasmine Sullivan (nothing like a sistah that can relate! lol) and thank you for being just another year....another year for me to look back on and realize "this is the end" and now as the new year turns over I can look up and focus on "where to begin".
